When I can't feel you,

I have learned to reach out just the same.

When I can't hear you,

I know you still hear every word I pray.

And I want you more than i want to live another day.

And as I wait for you, maybe I'm made more faithful.

so. this is what it feels like. to tear apart. this.
is what we risk when we throw our hearts out.
so this is losing.

i see.

i wish there was truth when i stammered that i didnt care.
i wish if i said it enough it would make everything feel better.
but it doesnt, and it wont, and the overwhelming powerlessness of sitting through a feeling is keeping me there. in the moment. where it ended.

blink.

half believing if i blink hard enough the things before me will vanish when the shutters fly open. but they don't. they are just sitting there. in the corner. waiting for me.

and then the fury.

if only my fists flying into the door could distract my heart for a moment. if only i could punch its wooden frame hard enough to shake this feeling off. if only... but, who am i kidding? my swollen knuckles weren't meant to be my crucifix.

i never learned how to do this.

so this is what its like when you finally manage to allow people to matter. they were like sharks teeth to me. they were disposable... why couldnt you be? i think i'd like it if, there was something wrong. with me. or you. i think it would make more sense. maybe if you could yell. or be cruel. intolerable. or if i was a bitch.

i think maybe if you were poisonous i'd let go a little easier.

my sticky fingers make it hard. and somewhere along the lines i somehow fell. and now it's done. it's over. no more stupid fluttery things in my stomach. no more tangled hands.
just my tangled heart.

and the question

is it worth it?

is it.

worth.

this?



yes. (but i'd rather say no)

I won’t remind you
You said we wouldn’t be apart
No I don’t believe you
When you say you don’t need me anymore
So don’t pretend to
Not love me at all

It’s like one of those bad dreams
When you can’t wake up

It’s like you’ve given up
You’ve had enough
But I want more
No I won't stop
Because I just know
You’ll come around Right?

Just don’t stand there and watch me fall
It’s like the way we fight
The times I’ve cried
We come to blows And every night
The passions there
So it’s got to be right, Right?

I don’t believe you.